You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
