so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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