I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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