Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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