I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
