just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
