also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
