your room smells of hookers.
And success
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
