For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
