Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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