Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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