I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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