Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
