Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
