He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
