I faked an abortion last night.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
