When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize