So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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