Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
you never un-have a 4some
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
