Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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