Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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