You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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