i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
