be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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