You're my little dorito
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
