We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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