come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
