were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
