He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
