Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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