I'm lost and stupid without you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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