who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
