if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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