how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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