My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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