I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
