my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
