I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize