recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
