Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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