I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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