I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize