ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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