What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
