can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
