Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
