new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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