How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
