His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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