Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
