Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
