Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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