so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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