that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
