Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Randomize
