tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
