Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
