i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
