I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
