would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
