i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
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