Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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