so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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